Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.