what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
You are what you delete.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?