Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”