Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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Squirrels before girls.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
This is my emotional support knife.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
me and who
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.