Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
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It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.