this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
You Might Also Like
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Happy Thanksgiving
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.