Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me