I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My wedding will be open casket.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
There are no pants in heaven.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”