him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers