When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”