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you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
live long and prosper!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.