A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Best spot.. 😅
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]