I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.