MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
You Might Also Like
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs