If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?