If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?