Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that