Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
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“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
This is always good for a laugh.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore