I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Weirdly Wednesday.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.