my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Great acting.. 😂
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies