wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.