Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
when nothing goes right… go left
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.