Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You Might Also Like
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.