What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Worst perfume name ever.