If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I ate everything, including the H.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card