Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
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3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her