My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.