People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.