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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.