Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer