Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.