No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Rather alarming headline…
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant