X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam