EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
This is my favorite one of these!
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I don’t know what to do
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade