Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My dating profile:
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
They did not think through this water fountain
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced