It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.