If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
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I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.