Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.