Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
You Might Also Like
A woman drives into a bar.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
When ur friends with white people
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.