If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
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she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Close call…
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.