2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
You Might Also Like
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie