“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”