[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
hmmm
felt that
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.