Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.