crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
RT if you could go either way.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
bury ourselves
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.