People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
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Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?