[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.