Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*