If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
i want to work in this restaurant
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.