People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon